Dear Journal –
I’ll admit, I’ve had a hard time putting my words to paper (ok, keyboard!) lately. I’ve even struggled writing in my personal journal even when I try to make it a priority. But, I feel that now is the time I need to write! A couple of weeks ago, my insurance company accepted my doctor’s request for bariatric surgery – laparoscopic Roux-en-Y. I’m scheduled for late February. To say that I am experiencing a mix of emotions is a complete understatement.
To start, I can’t help but feeling ashamed. Ashamed because I did this to me. Ashamed because surgery is the only thing that might help free me from the restraints of obesity that have been holding me back for too many years. Sure, some of my weight related issues are from health issues and probably genetics, but my DNA and my health issues didn’t make me eat McDonald’s French Fries a few times each month. (Seriously, I love those things. They are probably going to be the thing I miss most after surgery!) That being said, I had to look beyond that, think about all the other ways I’ve tried to lose weight, and set a goal to make this successful and make all those other years of struggles worth it.
The next emotion is an interesting mixture of fear, apprehension, and excitement. Usually these feelings all just kind of co-exist. My anxiety is saying, “What if you die? What if they accidentally hit an organ with a scalpel? What if you throw up every day for a year or every day for …. life?” But, the excited part of me daydreams of non-scale wins like watching myself finish my first 5K in years, my husband and I becoming parents, and just plain old feeling good and confident. So many times I’ve almost talked myself out of having the surgery, but I try to think of a positive counter thought for each negative thought.
I have just under a month before surgery. My 28th birthday is in less than six months. I could lose about 50 pounds by then based on the successes of other patients. But, this change is going to be A LOT of work. Learning how to eat for my new system again. Getting on an exercise routine…..My “new life” will be starting soon … and I am ready!