Fat clothes.

Dear Journal, 

It was something actually didn’t think would make a difference to me, but it did.  I wallowed all day so far in self pity because of it.  Today, I bought clothes second-hand from someone obesitywho for most of my life I referenced as fat.  (Now, I know that in today’s world of body positivity that’s a taboo word to use.  But, I’m not talking about calling her fat to her face; it is the voice in my head that recognizes different hair colors, eye colors, and other descriptors.  Let’s face it, we know when someone is a little fluffy.  Would I treat someone different because of that? No.  So you get my point)  Now, I was able to buy these clothes from her because since January she’s lost fifty pounds.  THAT is amazing.  I am so proud of her.  But, for me it put things into perspective a bit.  That person, who for much of my adult life I regarded as fat, was now much smaller than me, and her “fat clothes” were the perfect size for me.

It caused me to reflect on how I got here.  I’m good at playing the victim to my health, and even doctors tell me I have the cards stacked against me.  I’ve been told that even if I ran a marathon a day and ate perfectly balanced meals I still would have a hard time losing weight.  I have a wonderful combination of PCOS, endometriosis, hypothyroidism, diabetes, and an enzyme issue in my stomach.  All of these things led to depression and anxiety.  I’m in the process of working with an amazing team of doctors at Mayo Clinic – Rochester to decide if maybe I have gotten some incorrect diagnosis in the past that got me to this point.  We are looking into autoimmune issues and more.  I finally feel like I am in the best of care to get down to the bottom of whatever I have going on and gain back the remaining years of my 20s and better health for my future.  But, I have a “food problem” and with all this said, I am not innocent in my decline in health and addition of weight.  I love potato chips, and I love chocolate chip cookies. I occasionally binge on them when I’m stressed, having a really bad round with depression, or just because they taste good.

With all that said, I know I need to start making better decisions and I need to be realistic about my problems.  I can’t play the victim. I need to get over my “victim of by body” mindset especially as I look upon having gastric bypass.  My consult for that is coming up at the end of May, and to say I am nervous is an understatement. I also just can’t believe that this is where I am.  I never thought that I would be a candidate for a surgery like this and sitting here weighing out the pros and cons of a life changing surgery like this.  In my mind I go back and forth, back and forth.  It’s such a tough decision to make whether to proceed or not, but I can’t help but thinking it is a good choice to make.  I’ve failed on dozens of normal diets, worked my butt off, and spent thousands on “health trends”. When nothing changes after all of that, and you keep losing and gaining the same ten pounds, it’s easy to feel defeated.  Here’s to hoping this could be a positive change after some tears and pain.

Has anyone overcome binge eating tendencies?  Has anyone personally weighed out the pros and cons of weight loss surgery?  Share your thoughts below. 

-S

 

 

 

Author: mydearjournal

My life has been pretty great until the struggles of mental health, weight gain, and fertility issues started coming to the surface. Rather than write all my ramblings in a book, I chose to expose them to the world so that maybe someone can relate, laugh, or realize they aren't alone, no matter how dark things can be. I'll cover the nitty-gritty, relationship issues, OCD, social anxiety, and more.

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