It has been awhile, much too long actually, since I took the time to write. I had intended on writing more than I have. I’d say I’ll write more from here on out, but that might just be an empty promise. I’ve been so busy, but aren’t we all?
Something happened today. I spent ten minutes crying in the dressing room at Kohls. It was because many of the things I grabbed didn’t fit. This experience of nothing fitting wasn’t new, but something about this WAS different: things didn’t fit because they were too BIG.
As you may recall, I had the life changing opportunity to have roux-en-y gastric bypass. When I last wrote in January, I was a month out from my surgery date. I had my surgery on February 20. I’ve had no complications. My first few weeks after surgery I regretted everything about it. I was sore, I couldn’t eat like I wanted to, and I craved all the good foods. However, one day everything clicked, and I started feeling great. I think it started with a positive mind. Sure, I can’t have anything sweet like cake or cookies, and I haven’t had a Diet Mountain Dew or a Monster in over three months. But, giving those things up is so worth it. I don’t even miss them now.
So, back to the crying in the dressing room. I wasn’t just crying tears of joy because I lost seventy pounds already, and the XL shirts I grabbed were too large now. No, I was crying because my diabetes was in remission. My hormones were more balanced than ever before. I might not have the same struggles with infertility that I’ve struggled with for the past two years. My joints hurt less. My depression and anxiety are better. Emotionally, I am more confident. This new found confidence has made me a better wife. A better employee. A better person.
I worked hard at loving myself each and every day. Each and every pound. Whether I was at my highest weight of 252 or my current weight now of 179. (I’m 5’8″ for perspective.) I had this surgery because I love me. I know we live in a world of body positivity and sure, I loved myself and who I was, but my extra weight was a trigger for my depression. I knew and recognized that about myself. I started to lose myself and not care about anything. My shopping addiction got worse because I compensated for my emotional sadness by trying to collect things. Things to make me happy and things to make me forget how empty I sometimes felt inside. Things I didn’t need. This surgery was not only a saving grace for my physical health, but my mental health (and my wallet).
My journey isn’t over. My journey is just beginning. Each day I learn new things about myself. I’ve found out that my new love is exercise not food or shopping, and my favorite sweet eat is now raspberries not cake or cookies. I’ve learned to recognize things that make me anxious and then breathe not eat. I’ve paid off every last credit card from those shopping sprees and collecting things to compensate for my sadness. My life is starting over, and I’m so thankful for modern medicine, insurance, and perseverance.
I’m glad I didn’t talk myself out of this surgery. If you’re reading this because you are debating what to do, whether it is surgery or something else: do what your heart tells you. Try to picture your life if you do it or if you don’t. Dream your best dream. Then do it.